After attending art college, I initially tried to pursue a life as an artist. I eventually realised I preferred a comfortable life to being a struggling artist. Through my work experience in the past at the Bank and the local council, I progressed to the next step as a Cash-book Clerk. I decided to take a part-time position, which would allow me some extra time to focus on my art. Unfortunately, after my first day at work, I had an eye appointment with the Optometrist. I was sent directly to the hospital with a detached retina.

 

A couple of years later, I discovered it can be attributed to hereditary factors. My dad's brother and my paternal grandfather suffered the same fate. It was not an ideal way to start a new job, immediately going on three months of sick leave. However, I was grateful that they were willing to hold my position for me.

 

During the two years I spent at this company, I learned a great deal about myself and my relationship with God. I was still broken and struggling in many ways, often wanting to do things my way. I constantly found myself back on my knees in tears before Him. I took the bus to work every day, and I cherished those quiet moments when I could listen to His voice. I remember one morning how He gently asked me, “How do you feel after doing (or saying) that, Leonie?” I had to admit that I felt remorse for my sin.

 

Once, a young Christian woman asked me how to stop sinning. She wanted to stop doing things that were wrong and shameful. I took a moment to think about her question and responded, “Falling in love with Jesus. I mean really being in love with Him—so much that it hurts you to reject and hurt the One you love.”

 

I recall a time when I felt profoundly in love with Jesus. I secretly brought my Bible to work and kept it in my top drawer. When I was alone in my office, I would open the drawer and pretend to search for something, all while reading my Bible. It felt like reading a love letter from the Love of my life. This special feeling only lasted a few days, yet I often longed to experience those moments again. However, like any relationship, love involves more than just those fleeting feelings. The enemy will always try to undermine your relationship with the Lord by making you feel unworthy. Unfortunately, this message can sometimes come from the most sincere people.

 

There was a man at the Pentecostal church I attended who had the gift of evangelism. One Sunday, he preached about how we, as Christians, often fail to spread the gospel. I remember his words: "You ride the same bus five days a week. Yet, you never share the gospel with the stranger next to you." After hearing his message, I felt such guilt. I find it very hard to speak to strangers. However, God knew my heart and would not allow the devil to have the final say.

 

I worked closely with the bookkeeper at my company, and we often talked. She would ask me about my weekend and what I had done. I didn't care whether she was a believer; I simply shared my experiences at church openly with her. After a time, the office layout changed. Instead of a separate office, she was moved to share an office with four of us. Among us was an awkward elderly lady who had some strange habits. Back then, smoking was allowed in offices. She would sit, her long, painted nails holding a cigarette like a proper lady. However, if someone came into the office to ask her something, she wouldn’t look them in the eyes. Once they turned to leave, she would mutter derogatory remarks under her breath, like "Bitch" or "Bastard."

 

I was somewhat used to this odd behaviour from her, but our bookkeeper wasn’t. After enduring this for a while, she finally snapped and told the elderly lady, “You know you are a disgrace! You should be more like Leonie; she is a Christian and would never say that to people.”

 

One day, my friend told me that this lady said I was a snob. A snob? Me? No! When I asked her why, she replied that it was because I never greeted her. Well, I could say the same about her since she never greeted me. This bothered me until the Lord revealed the reason. I hesitated to greet her because I feared she wouldn't greet me back. In essence, I was rejecting her before she could reject me. ‘Rejection’ was like an octopus that clung to me, and it took many years to rid myself of this beast.

I began teaching pottery classes at the Braamfontein Community Centre. I learned so much more about myself. One night, after a pottery class, I noticed a car following me as I drove home. The route wasn’t direct, so I kept checking to see if he was still behind me. I needed to lose this guy before I entered my flat's locked parking area. I'd be vulnerable if he followed me into the basement.

 

When I arrived at my flat, he was still behind me and waiting right behind me to enter the locked door. I sat for a while, hoping he would back off and leave. I knew I was safer out in the street, where people in their flats could hear me. Eventually, I opened my car door, walked straight to his car, and knocked on the window. He rolled it down, and I looked him straight in the eye, asking, “Why are you following me?” He replied, “You are a very observant young lady.” I stepped back, pointed at the road, and told him, “Get lost. Leave right now!” He did. Once I was sure he was gone, I drove in and parked my car. I didn't turn on the lights when I walked into my flat. I first checked for his car through the window. He may be waiting to see which flat's light would come on.

 

There have been many moments where God guided and warned me, helping me to overcome my fears.

 

 

At the pottery class, I met a few interesting people. One of them had a surname that sounded familiar, and I discovered that they were our neighbours at the time I was born. He mentioned that he remembered me as a baby and that his mother and my mom used to be good friends. We decided to arrange a meeting to bring these two old friends together.

 

What I expected to be a wonderful day turned into a heartbreaking experience. In front of me, this lady asked my mom, "Do you remember when you fell pregnant with Leonie and wanted to get rid of her? Do you remember how we tried to find a way to abort her?"

 

This moment confirmed what I had always sensed: my mother didn’t want me. One scripture became everything to me. For the next ten years of my life, I held onto it tightly.