While God warns us, ultimately it is my choice to obey or not. He communicates with us in many ways, especially through His word.

 

In 1981, I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life: I married a non-believer. Not just a non-believer, he was also a champion Casanova with no integrity. How could I be so blind? We worked together at a large company, and he captivated me. Soon after we married and he moved in, I found a note under my door. It was from a woman he had chatted up on the stairs, in response to his invitation for a date. It was clear from the beginning that he was not committed to marriage or being faithful. I also found he was fleeing debts overseas. It took me years to help him settle them. He went to church with me a few times. But, he never understood the "pearl of great price" that I had found.

 

Early in our marriage, we decided to buy a newly built house. It was very small but had the potential to be enlarged whenever we wanted. We also added a double garage, where I planned to eventually include a pottery studio. The property needed a lot of work. We had only a large, weedy, rocky lot around the house. Every weekend, I was in the garden with a shovel, a garden fork, and a pickaxe, trying to break up the rocks. It was backbreaking work, and for someone with a bad back, it was a foolish thing to do. While I worked hard, Mr. Casanova played bowls and flirted with the ladies. This made me increasingly bitter. The more he let me down, the more I withdrew into myself and focused on the house. I was about to pay dearly for this choice.

 

My back was causing me a lot of pain, so I was finally referred to an orthopaedic consultant. He was a great and honest man. He said, "If I operate on your back, I will change a perfect, God-given back. However, I can relieve you of your pain.” I asked him if I could have a few days to think about it, but what I wanted was for God to heal my back. The consultant returned my X-rays to me in case I needed them for a second opinion. I asked God for three confirmations about whether I should go through with the operation. One Sunday morning, just as I woke up and before I could fully open my eyes, I had a vision. I saw what looked like a person's perfectly shaped back but without skin. Then, I noticed a round object floating away from the back. I sat up, puzzled. I didn't fully understand the disk removal procedure. In my ignorance, I thought they would be removing an entire vertebra.

 

That day, I took my X-rays with me to church because I wanted to consult a physiotherapist I know there. He had previously advised me never to let anyone operate on my back. After the service, he walked with me to my car to look at my X-rays. I shared the vision I had that morning, which surprised him. He remarked that it sounded like God was prompting me to go ahead with the operation.

 

When I mentioned a round object, not a triangular bone, he found my description of a disk amusing. He explained that the disk they remove is, in fact, round and is only a part of the vertebra. After examining my X-rays, he gave me the news I didn’t want to hear: “Leonie, you have no option. If they don’t remove that disc, it will sever the nerve, and you will lose the use of your legs.” That was my second confirmation.

During that time, I began working for a large company. It owned and ran various clinics and sanatoriums. One day, I was in the office of one of the bosses, an orthopaedic surgeon. I asked him for his thoughts on back surgery. He advised against it, saying, “Not a good idea.” Upon hearing I'd had back problems for 12 years, he became concerned. I told him my consultant was Dr. Cullum. He said Dr. Cullum is one of the best. He would never recommend surgery unless it was necessary. I still preferred for the Lord to heal my back. But, I concluded that God was telling me to proceed with the operation.

 

The Saturday before I was scheduled for surgery, I was preparing to attend a friend's wedding. While blow-drying my hair, I experienced a severe slip of the disc in my back. This time, it was the worst it had ever been. I made it to the sitting room but then collapsed. I couldn't move. I ended up sleeping there on the floor until Sunday night. Then, someone finally got a message through to my consultant. It was after 10 PM by the time I arrived at the hospital, walking like a 90-year-old woman. When the nurse saw me the next morning, she was surprised and asked why she hadn’t seen me check in. She only recalled an elderly lady checking in. I must have been a sight, bent and shuffling to my bed.

 

That period was one of the most painful times in my life. Enduring the back surgery and the six weeks of recuperation at home was difficult enough. To make matters worse, I was getting a number of phone calls from a woman. She claimed she was sleeping with my husband. I didn't know who she was. I tried to hang up on her every time. But, when she described my bed linen's colour, I realised she wasn't lying. She didn’t reveal her identity, only that she was also a Christian like me. There’s so much more I could say, but I think it’s better if I don’t. When I confronted my husband, he denied everything. He accused me of making up stories. It was a classic case of gas-lighting.

 

I soon realised that my husband was not at all who I thought he was. During this turmoil, I tried various methods to salvage the marriage. I convinced him to join me on a Personal Growth Course offered at our church. Afterwards, I asked for his thoughts on the course, and he replied, “None. I only did it to help you, as I know you needed it.”

 

Then someone gave me a set of cassette tapes by a well-known marriage counsellor in South Africa. I made an appointment, and my husband agreed to come with me. The counsellor said, "When there's infidelity, I must speak to the wife." I was taken aback. He wanted to talk to me because I was the problem.

 

He then directed me to another room, asked me to sit on the floor, and attempted to put his arms around me to hug me. This made me feel extremely uncomfortable and triggered alarm bells in my mind. I realised I needed to leave the situation immediately. I felt violated and angry, unsure of what to do next.

 

A week later, I reached out to Dave Owen, our pastor at the Vineyard, and asked if I could meet with him. When he inquired about the purpose of my visit, I told him I was having marriage problems. He agreed to see me. Upon sitting down, he said, “Before you start telling me what’s happening, I want to say something. There is a man who claims to be a marriage counsellor, he is known for distributing his tape recordings to help couples.” He named the same counsellor we had seen, and I couldn’t believe it. Dave warned me, “I want to advise you not to listen to him. I completely disagree with everything he says.” I was stunned to hear this advice. I shared my experience with the counsellor at our meeting's end. My pastor did not judge me, instead showed me grace, grace, grace.

 

It wasn’t long before my ex-husband Bob finally decided to move out. However, he kept coming in and out of the house as if he still lived there. There was no time for healing, only ongoing resentment and bitterness. My home felt filled with rejection and pain. I remember waking up one morning to hear my cat howling outside. I had never heard a cat make such a sound. He wasn't in a fight; he was sitting outside at the one corner of the house, howling. I picked him up and held him in my arms. He must have sensed my pain. I will never forget that moment.

 

Someone gave me a book to read by Dr. James C. Dobson called "Love Must Be Tough." His words gripped me. They stressed that, sometimes, all you have is your dignity. It's your self-esteem, self-love, and self-worth. You must set boundaries around yourself. When Bob visited the next time, I told him that I did not want to see him for six weeks. If he wanted to see me, he must move back in as my husband and stop the horrendous treatment he put me through. If he was not prepared to do that, then I did not want to see him again. As hard as that was to say, it had a positive effect on my self-worth.

 

Even though I had every right to sue Bob for divorce, I decided not to go down that path. He called me to say he issued a divorce summons. But, to do that, he had to lie about me. He warned me about the lies and apologized for his actions, but it still hurt when I received the papers. I returned the signed documents and resolved to move on with my life. I felt I had enough of his constant lies and rejection. I needed to move on – and soon!

However, that was just the beginning. In the divorce settlement, Bob agreed to take responsibility for various debts. Some friends who knew him told me he had resigned from his job. He planned to return to Scotland for a while. I feared he would revert to his old ways and leave behind all his debts. When I consulted a lawyer, he told me that I could only start looking for Bob after he failed to pay the money. Although that wasn’t what I wanted to hear, I had to trust that God would never forsake me and would help me through it all.

 

He not only walked away from a good job, but also travelled with his Diners Club card, racking up a lot of debt. Years earlier, when he applied for the card, he asked if I wanted a twin card on the same account, and I agreed. After our marriage ended, I returned the card to him, telling him I didn’t need it any-more since I had never used it. To my shock, after the divorce, I got a letter from Diners Club. They held me responsible for the debt my ex-husband incurred while abroad.

 

In a stranger's office at Diners Club, I asked God to help me. I trusted Him to guide me through this tough time. The Diners Club rep explained the terms I signed when I got the card. I didn't understand my situation. I sensed God was working in this man's heart, as he showed some compassion. He excused himself briefly. He then returned and said that, when I signed for my card, the rule about shared liability had not yet been put in place. Therefore, I wouldn't have to pay Bob’s debt. This rule had changed only a few months after I signed for the card.

 

A key moment was my visit to Dr. Kroon. He was a recommended Christian psychiatrist. At that time, I was still trying to save my marriage. I remember stressing over the fifteen Rand fee for the session; if only I had known that it would be worth £15000. I told him my marriage was falling apart. I wanted to know how to get my husband to open up and talk to me. His advice was brief and to the point: “You cannot do that. So let’s talk about you.”

 

Oh, how I wish I had recorded that conversation—it was full of wisdom. He encouraged me to face the worst possibilities I might encounter and how to work through them. Knowing I was a Christian, he said, “I am going to give you a prescription, and you must take it daily, whenever it is needed.” Then, he quoted Romans 12:1-2.

 

 

He urged me to examine every unpleasant feeling, like anger, confusion, and sadness. I should ask myself, "Why?" and try to uncover the root of these feelings. I might feel insulted, offended, doubtful, rejected, wronged, or inferior. The possibilities are endless, and once again, I should ask myself, "Why?" Why do I feel hurt, and where did that hurt originate?

 

If I experience anger, I should take a moment to reflect. If I am indifferent about something, I should analyse it. If I feel wronged, I need to ask myself, "Why do I feel this way?" Often, there is a hidden aspect of my mind that holds valuable information.

 

He spoke to me about how we file away experiences throughout our lives in our brains. If I feel unhappy or lonely, I should take a moment to be still and seek God's guidance. I can ask Him to show me the source of my loneliness. It may come from feeling undervalued or disconnected from my family. It might even relate to a parent's brokenness that prevented them from caring for me as they should have.

Inviting God into that moment can bring understanding and forgiveness. It allows me to replace the old story with a new view of my worth. I can ask God for the truth to dispel the lies I believe about myself. Am I truly "not valued"? Maybe I can help someone else feel valued. That might help me see my own worth. This process reflects the renewal of the mind that Scripture speaks about.

 

I didn’t realise just how important this new-found knowledge would be for my future. It felt like there wasn’t a single day that went by without something dragging me down again. I was almost too ashamed to let people know I was a Christian. Even some family and friends who were close to me, who knew of the injustice I was suffering, turned on me and rejected me. Yet God is just; He sees everything and knows all. In time, He redeemed me.

 

As I opened up new files in my mind, I discovered that I already had a wealth of similar experiences stored away. People treated me like an object they didn’t need any-more. Now that I was divorced, they saw me as a threat. I was told to my face that I was unwelcome at their socials if I came alone. On the other hand, some men saw me as a cheap "meal" ticket. I got some rude, direct invitations from work colleagues. It is easy to remember this and add it to the 'Rejection' files I already have. These were extremely painful parts of my life. The rejection and shame I felt were inexplicable. I also began to see the evil of misogyny and discrimination against women. If I were a male, I would have been treated very differently.

 

Many single people I know long to be married, but marriage is not the solution to their problems. You invest everything in the relationship. But if your partner won't reciprocate, you can't change their mind. A divorce feels like having the rug pulled out from under you. You often can't stop it from happening. During my difficult times, some people attempted to kick me while I was down. However, the people at the Vineyard never accused or condemned me. Instead, they showed me the same grace, love, and acceptance that Jesus offered to the woman about to be stoned by her accusers.

 

It was only four years later that I understood better what was going on at that time of my life. One Sunday evening after the service at church, we prayed for a lady with a painful arm. One of the guys who was visiting from the Vineyard in California was also praying with us for this lady. He suddenly turned to me and said: “I don’t know what happened to you four years ago, but the devil launched a massive attack on your life because he found out what God’s plan was for you.” When I got home, I looked back in my diary and four years to that very day was the day that my ex-husband walked out on me.

Later, I attended a ‘Divorce Recovery’ course and discovered just how devastating the effects of divorce are and developed compassion for people who went through a divorce. The course led me through a lot of healing as I faced the wrongs that were done to me and extended the forgiveness that was so important for me to get on with my life. I also got more involved in presenting the course. Little did I know that all this hurt, rejection, forgiveness and healing was being embroidered into the tapestry of my life and the call God had for me. The very thing the devil tried to destroy me with, God used to reach out to people and bring them into His Kingdom.

About seven years later as we all sat on the floor at my home group meeting, my friend turned to me during ministry time and told me, “Leonie, you need to forgive Bob and release him.” I realised that I became very blasé about the whole divorce saga, and used to say that I didn’t care about him anymore or what happened to him. My friend asked her boyfriend at the time to come and minister to me. He came and sat in front of me and asked me, as Bob, to forgive him. It was extremely difficult but, in the end, I managed to do that. It wasn’t an instant thing, but a gradual process.

 

It was only in 1995, after I met Hendrik and we became good friends, that God decided I was ready for the next step of my healing. Hendrik had written a long letter to me, brought me the letter and read it to me. He told me about his feelings for me. I remember hearing God’s voice as I shut the front door that night: “He is your healing, Leonie.”