If it hadn’t been for Naomi’s support and encouragement, I don’t know if I would have made it. I hope that by sharing this, I can encourage others in similar situations. One night, two ladies in the group were making fun of me, causing me to lash out at them. They hit on my deep-seated feelings from a lack of encouragement and bullying in my life. I love it when people laugh with me. But, laughing at me is dangerous. It crosses into a painful area of my emotions.

 

As usual, Naomi called me the next day to ask how I thought the group went. She allowed me to vent, then reassured me with, “It’s all good Leonie. All this stuff in our hearts must surface so God can cleanse us.” It's vital for our home group members to feel free to share their pain, even in one-on-one settings.

 

One of the helpful things I discovered during this time was journalling. It’s valuable to look back over your life and see it through new eyes. I had often been very negative about myself. Although I craved encouragement, I couldn’t recognize any change in myself back then. Now, I find many little ‘thank you’ notes from friends glued in my journals. I don't even remember receiving them. They were like small drops of ointment for the soul.

 

One Saturday, I attended a meeting for all the church leaders at Johweto Vineyard. It was a 'bring and share' lunch. I didn’t have much money, but I decided to buy a roasted chicken, filled with anticipation for a bite of it.

 

We began with worship, followed by ministry time before breaking for lunch. During worship, I felt completely alone and broken. The path of leadership was not what I had anticipated. The longer I stood there, the more isolated I felt until it seemed I was falling apart. I stepped outside to find a quiet spot. I wanted to cry and regain my composure.

Moments later, I felt someone sit next to me. It was Stewart, our pastor’s brother. He asked me why I felt upset. I shared my feelings of loneliness, questioning whether I was doing the right thing in my group. What is right? What is wrong? Should I continue straight on, or turn left?

 

I’ll never forget his words: “That is leadership Leonie. I wish I could tell you it will get better. It's a lonely road at the front. It is leading those who follow you without seeing your leader ahead." I believe the only leader we have that we could constantly depend on, is the Lord. I thank God today that I wasn't one of the popular "glory boys." (And neither was Hendrik.) They get all the attention and praise. It pushed me to my knees, making me more desperate to hear God’s voice instead.

 

After some time, Stewart and I rejoined the others for lunch. When we reached the table, to my surprise, only a couple of slices of dry bread remained. Disappointed, I looked up at Stewart and said, “Okay, now I get it! Leadership is like bringing a roast chicken for lunch, only to end up with a slice of dry bread.”