A SLAP ON THE WRIST
I felt very satisfied. I had taken a bus from Southend to Oxford via Victoria Station. Helen, a friend of the Fultons, welcomed me with a warm heart. She felt a deep happiness upon receiving the gifts from Kris Fulton. For me, it was another chance to meet more Vineyard people in England. I considered it a privilege. Experiences like this will serve as a foundation for the Vineyard Church in Yeovil.
That evening, Helen and her husband took me to their home group. But first, we stopped by another group to meet Slim and Caroline, who are also from South Africa. But I was eager to visit the actual home group that we were heading to, which met in the back room of a pub.
While the home group was enjoyable, my self-hatred and self-doubt reared its ugly head again. I complained to the Lord about feeling inadequate. I believed He didn't help me when I prayed for others. I sometimes felt like a spare part, kept aside for when He needed me. In response to my struggles, God heard my heart and immediately provided me with a scripture to read.
Isaiah 45:9-12 “Woe to the one who quarrels with his Maker — A piece of pottery among the other earthenware pottery pieces! Will the clay say to the potter, ‘What are you doing?’ Or the thing you are making say, ‘He has no hands’? Woe to him who says to a father, ‘What are you fathering?’ Or to a woman, ‘To what are you giving birth?’” This is what the Lord says, the Holy One of Israel and his Maker: “Ask Me about the things to come concerning My sons, And you shall commit to Me the work of My hands. It is I who made the earth and created mankind upon it. I stretched out the heavens with My hands, And I ordained all their lights."
I immediately knew I was in trouble. I felt shocked. He heard me. Of course, He heard you Leonie. Who do you think you are talking to? He was becoming fed up with my constant moaning and complaining. How long will I walk this earth feeling like an outcast? When will I accept that I am not on this planet for my parents' acceptance or approval? He placed me here for His glory. After all, we who accept Jesus are born of the Spirit. That makes us children of God. And being made in His image, we are called to do what He does. “Oh, forgive me Lord.” I feel deep remorse for my constant complaints to the Lord about myself, both then and now.
After I asked the Lord to forgive me, I received a scripture from a dear friend, unaware of my feelings of remorse.
Psalm 116:1-2 (AMPC). It says, "I love the Lord, because He has heard [and now hears] my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore will I call upon Him as long as I live.”
