Hendrik and I took a week’s leave and rented a self-catering home for a week in Wales. Here are some of my ramblings during my time there.

 

From my journal: 31 December 2019.

My heart is sad today. In prayer this morning, the Lord reminded me how it was for Him when the disciples all wanted what He had, to go where He was going. He told them, “No. You cannot.” We know why He said that, but the disciples did not know that at the time.

 

So, it is with our leaders. Sometimes they disagree with the decisions we make, but they wouldn’t want to suffer the things we suffer. The road Jesus walked was a lonely road. Some people disagree with me when I say that leadership is a lonely road. Maybe it is so for us because we are introverts.

 

Hendrik and I keep saying that we only want to go where Jesus goes and do what we see our Father doing. But can we? We, as senior pastors, found out exactly how difficult the road is that Jesus walked. Yet we are not satisfied with anything less. Are we prepared to pay the price? I cannot see a church without Jesus. Is that what our fellow pastors want as well? I have so many questions. Are they with us, and do they feel this way as well? Or is it different for everyone?

 

In John 6, Jesus said, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them on the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them. . . . . . . . Your ancestors ate manna and died, but whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.” He said this in the synagogue.

 

 

I know we have also offended some people, and some of the stuff we said was taken in the wrong spirit. Some left, some nearly left, and some decided to stick it out. We are grateful for those who decided to stick it out, work with us and complete the task that was set before us.

‘Thank you for staying with us.’

 

I read this morning on Facebook. Alexander Venter quotes from Joshua 1, the command “be strong and courageous” and it is repeated 4 times and once, “And, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged” God requires our positive – faith – to lead us into the new land, to inherit the promises, to advance God’s Kingdom.

God reminded me of telling me not so long ago through a word from Jason our Youth Pastor, “Oh, you are battle weary and battle scarred. Be strong and courageous. You know you are in a battle. A battle against the darkness. Now go forth and be strong and courageous.”

 

My brain is getting more and more foggy. How long I will still be able to do what I am doing. Oh, please help me Lord! I will have to write more stuff down. Last week in Wales, we had a good time talking to God every day, even if it wasn’t for long. I need to write down here what I experienced with Jesus.

 

I need to get all this rubbish out and off my heart. Oh where is Naomi, my old (young in the Lord) mentor now, saying, “Oh, it is good Leonie. We need to get all the horrible stuff out of our hearts.” Some around us act like we became Christians yesterday. They think it's their job to tell us what to do. Not once do they consider what I may have done or been through in my life as a Christian for the past 60 years.

Hendrik saw the place I was in, and I know he must have prayed for me. He came to me and reminded me of the shortened old black-and-white ‘Mutiny’ movie they showed us at the Ranch. I referred to this before when I was at the Ranch. It was about the mutiny against a ship’s captain, and in the court case at the end, the question they left the officers with was “Do you think the outcome would have been different if you had supported this captain from the start?”

 

I agreed with Hendrik. I know we made mistakes. We all do, and all we can do is try and do better next time. After this conversation with Hendrik, I followed my usual routine to improve my mood by plonking myself in front of the TV and switching it on to see whatever was available. And what is on the screen in front of me today? It’s the old black and white ‘Mutiny’ movie!

 

‘The Caine Mutiny’ is about a U.S. Naval captain showing signs of mental instability that jeopardises the ship, the first officer is urged to consider relieving him of command.

I love it when the Lord speaks to me like that.

 

Hendrik and I gathered at the National Leaders Conference that year for the pastor’s dinner. I didn’t know it then, but it was to be my last annual conference in attendance.

After dinner, Debbie Wright got up and started with: “BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS!” It was a showdown. On Friday night, that was the topic of the last teaching of the conference. God had spoken.

 

The Saturday after the NLC, Hendrik had the day off. The first time in years. He didn’t have anything to do for the church or his work, so we took a drive out. As we drove in silence, suddenly the radio went on and played this song. After the song, it switched itself off again. It must have been connected to Spotify. But the main thing was the song itself:

 

 

Not only does it speak of what Jesus did for me in the past when He saved me. But it speaks of the strength He gives us, so we can endure today and tomorrow. My Saviour lives! I can face tomorrow and all its difficulties. I need not fear, because He holds the future. Life is worth living because He lives!

 

It speaks of our little church He laid in our arms like a newborn baby, to enjoy seeing it grow. But also to have the calm assurance that it will be able to face uncertain days ahead as we handed it over to the next generation. Not because of how great we are and what we’ve done. But because He lives!

 

What a great assurance too, that He will be with me as I fight this final war with pain, and finally experience the victory of seeing the light of His glory. He lives!