As I approached the end of this testimonial journey, taking stock and weighing up all that God did for me, in me and through me, I came to a surprising conclusion, which wasn’t what I expected.

 

It seems some things never change. Once I completed the book and handed it over to our dear friend Matthew for editing, I found myself in such an empty and dark time of depression.

 

To my surprise, those old demons of ‘rejection’ and ‘self-doubt’ were back. I was surprised. I thought I overcame it and that God helped me rise above it. All I wanted to do now was to file my book copy in the 'Take No Note' folder. I decided to set some time aside to make up my mind about self-publishing the book. After praying and asking God to give me direction, I gave it two weeks. I needed to know if I was doing the right thing. Did God call me to write this book, or was it just a personal journey? Did God give me a voice to speak His truth in love? After stepping down from full-time ministry, was I now seeking a new form of significance? No word came from the Lord, and I painfully decided to call it quits. I wasn’t prepared to face publishing the book if God was not in it.

 

It was in this anguish of soul that I discovered that God is still not done with me. Bernard of Clairvaux wrote of the 4 loves:

 

 

This is where I find myself, learning to love myself, for God's sake. I realise that my deep-seated brokenness has not changed much. How people view and treat me doesn't seem to have changed much, either. What has, however, changed is how I react and who I believe. There is a beautiful song by Lauren Daigle that expresses my thoughts far more eloquently than I can explain:

 

 

 

The line in the song “The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me. In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity.” calls us to surrender ourselves daily to Christ and remind ourselves of what He says and thinks of us. I am reminded again of the lonely road Jesus took, carrying His cross to be crucified.

If I feel people still reject me now, it is their problem. Not mine. The responsibility lying at my feet is choosing who to believe. Do I choose the voices of this world, or do I choose the voice of Jesus who holds me in unconditional love? It doesn’t make the road any easier, but it is the road the Lord wants me to remember and follow, right to the end of my time here on earth.

 

The Lord reminded me once again about the lessons I learned at the Ranch about ‘humility’. This lesson is His story. His birth. His call. His crucifixion and death, and His ultimate and wonderful glory. When we reach a time where we kick back the chair and put our feet on the desk and say, “I’ve done it!”, I believe it is the time we need to start repenting. There is no place in God’s kingdom for impostors and pride. He is still God, and we are still His servants. He must increase; I must decrease. It is my desire that everyone discover this for themselves.

 

We are “the foolish things that shame the wise.” We are people who believed, despite our foolishness, that our mighty God could take ordinary individuals like us and use us to do extraordinary things through His power and authority. We have run the race, we have walked the walk, we have called out to Him for mercy, grace and strength, and through it all, we discovered depths of God’s love that we cannot share or express in words. You can only discover it for yourself. But always remember ‘humility’.

 

This is never about looking down on anyone, not even yourself. Simply put, humility is seeing yourself as God sees you. Humility is what we were called to, as Christians and especially as leaders. Everyone has value, regardless of their circumstances, achievements, or perceived status. There is no place for condescension. There is a place of speaking the truth in love, but it must be done with respect and humility.

Having empathy and compassion is essential in every Christian's life. It means that instead of judging or looking down on others, we should strive to understand their perspectives. We can never have too much encouragement, so it’s important to share it generously. When we empty ourselves of self-interest, God can fill us with His love. Remember, those who give will also receive. In God's kingdom, the way down is the way up, and humility brings eternal significance.

 

Since we retired and handed our toddler (Yeovil Vineyard Church) over to its new parents, we have discovered that God is not done with us. When I thought that God was done with me, I found a new purpose in writing this testimony. Hendrik wondered whether God was done with him, and then he received the incredible blessing and renewed purpose in his workplace. He got a new role as a senior developer, working full-time as he had done throughout our church planting years, with a much-needed large increase in salary. He has a clear sense of this being a stepping stone into the future purposes of God for his life.

 

Earlier in the book, we shared how God blessed us with financial abundance. We thought then it was the cherry on the cake. Oh, little did we know. All I will say is that He has exceeded our expectations beyond our imagination, and we pray for God’s generous and gracious blessing on two wonderful friends. This is an answer to a prayer Hendrik used to pray for us years ago, that God would help us to rise above our finances and circumstances. God has honoured those prayers, and our current blessings have given us a renewed place of love and service in His Kingdom.